its been 3 days dammit. why dont you say something.
i had a nightmare. it was so bad my eyes SNAPPED open the moment it ended. it hurts so bad. i can still hear the laughter feel the humiliation and see the look you gave me. but i didnt cry. i love to say that. i did not cry. no. nope. no way in hell. i ddint cry cos of that nightmare. i cried cos of a book. i hate to say that. emnelia thinks im emotinally unstable. i think im just plain unstable.

;je'taime

i scared the hell outta ranjanni today. this week does not promise to be a good one either. suddenly this holiday doesnt seem long enough at all. i need a day alone. without anything happening. to just think. relax. dont worry about anything. i still feel like exams are coming la. my brain is so stressed up.

ranjanni got me hooked. lol.

;je'taime

its breaking my heart to know im not important enough.
i have to go for a bbq i really dont want to attend tomorrow.
i dont have a nice pair of shorts and i really want one.
i dont have any where to go cos i dont have any dates yet.
theres a whole pile of homework i really dont want to look at.
i have a sore throat.
i have a really painful head+heartache.
listening to high school musical songs for the 101th time is not doing anything to help my medical state.
its only one day into the holiday and i dont have any idea what i want to do with it.
my heart is in pieces.
my life is a mess.
those are really alot of reasons why i just want to sleep and forget everything that has been happening to me for the past 24 hours.ive been trying so hard to forget this. but i know i cant. and i never will. unless you tell me straight in the face. see. thats the problem with me. i dont give up easily. i really want to be here for you. but im being thrown aside like some overused tissue paper.and even after feeling like that. the only feeling i can feel is how i really want to be there. i should be feeling white hot anger now but no. i have to be so forgiving. i really hate myself sometimes.
okay. now that ive got my ranting over with, id like to say. this whole week was not good at all. in fact its so not good i want to assure my freinds that i love them(: and ill be okay. after a really good month of heart healing.
ive been pushing too much and i know that if it doesnt break i will. so ill try to stop. but its like cigarettes you know. once youre hooked. its really difficult to quit.

;je'taime

i have seriously never hated anything more in my whole entire life. what is it and their stupid heartless attitudes?? dont care dont act dont NOTICE anything you know. just sit there and listen to their mp3s at stupid volumes which will probably fry their barely there brains when someone is trying to SAY something. like wth. im not doing this for fun. do i LOOK like i want to know which freaking country youre going to for your stupid holidays?? id rather watch paint dry thank you very much. i really couldnt help it. and with all the stupid people around. i really couldnt take it anymore. thanks everyone who comforted me, for example hsuli with your indispensable pack of tissues which you practically threw at me. it landed on my face then fell to my lap. haha! thank you so much.. im so sorry i made such a fool of myself today. its just that really insensitive behaviour is getting to me. cause youre born with feelings for a REASON. not just to cause others pain and harm you know. its to MAKE LIFE HAPPIER AND MORE MEANINGFUL in case you guys didnt know. i was so fustrated the whole day. couldnt stop pacing around. i think i scared my whole family to bits? kind of screaming for no reason. ohwell. i really need a hug.
i got back my report book today. it wasnt as bad as i expected. its acceptable anyway. just like everyone else's. i guess i can safely say almost everyones content with their marks? it wasnt a bad exam on the whole.
i feel like tearing myself apart or tearing something. im so so fustrated. i feel like screaming out all the names but ya. i dont really have any VOICE left to sceam after the whole day.
i really need want love you. its so embarassing to admit it but ya. i think that hug has got to be from you.

;je'taime

WTH. WTH. WTH. i felt happy in the morning. cos its like thursday. only one more day of waking up super early to waste my life away. but my day didnt turn out well. as usual. i dotn even know why i thought it would be different. emelia kaien and jasmine all left the class really early. so i went with sylvia! ahah! talked alot. and the financial talk.
WAYS TO GET WEALTHY.
1.inherit
2.work
3.steal
4.gamble
5.invest
6.MARRY.

i dont know if theres more but ya. MARRY. MY GOD. i saw i was like WHAT?? you marry for the money?? that is so wrong. and steal. thats just plain stupid.
and 25 is the magic number. buy a car, buy a house, get my first million(: get a pretty terrace house with a maid for every level and stupid rooms like a gym which i wont use and itll be just for decoration. haha! the maid idea is from sylvia. haaha! kind of fun la.

i hope divya comes tomorrow.

;je'taime

today was another wasted day. tomorrow will be one too.

;je'taime

im in school now. having digital art? haha. finshed my work early so i can do whatever i want. ha. but emelias not here. sad. hais. ohwell. hsulis beside me. her art says. euphoria in every bite. haha! so creative but so nonsense. and just looking at my surrounding makes me pissed again. i was right, waking up today is just a waste of time. i have a long long day in front of me. and its only 0940. AM. sian. i want to do something. i have like nothing to blog about cos its so EARLY.

i really miss you. it no longer feels wrong. instead its like a small girl yearning for a piece of candy she can never have.

;je'taime

today can join my long list of extremely bad days. wth. morning was terrible and the end was terrible too. the only happy thing that happened was the funny talk i had in class? haha. all the crooked stuff. lol. but i am not go into details. i dont see why i should live through the whole ordeal again in my head. my only wish is that it doesnt happen again. and you think i want to be for this class? i feel embarassed just saying those two words. if im that bad go tell someone then. the only reason why im still in it is cause ill get a scolding which is totally not worth the class. i didnt know i can be so angry for so long. ive been like this ever since morning. it sucks like hell. i dont even know why im waking up tomorrow to face the world AGAIN. 'it feels naive to put my faith in hope' haha. so true.
one day ill fly away, what more can this world do for me?

;je'taime

its like too much to ask la. but ya. i want to be missed. selfish but ya. i really want it. so much. i wish school would hurry and close. its like wasting my life there. one more week. argh. big girls dont cry. but i wish it was easier done than said.

;je'taime

i miss emelia tan all of a sudden. i want to cry out all of a sudden. i dont know why. then maybe i do.
i really miss you. but do you know. of course not. you think the total opposite.
i like you but you hate me. id really to learn to take the good the bad and breathe.

;je'taime

im stil coughing like a mad girl. have to go see the doctor tomorrow. and waste more money.

went out with family today. i will NOT get my mum to buy me anything more till september at least.i think i spent like more than 100 dollars on just clothes alone. spiderman 3 made me look super unglam in the cinema. its so uncomfortable sitting there for so so long. and spiderman was such a jerk. oh! one quote! do the most difficult thing first-forgive yourself. or something like that..hahaha! so those people who are like sad or anything over their results like ranjanni... ya! forgive yourself first. if you cant do that, no one else is going to be able to help you.

miner! i dont even know if the cruissse is confirmed! but i so so so want it! itll be so glamorous! and and and fun! can you imagine jared? haha! i garuntee its better than the kelongs but no drama or fishing la. hahaha!

i just noticed something. 'now blogger saves your drafts automatically!' haha! thats so cool! finally. i used to give up posting cos the stupid page would black out all of a sudden.

;je'taime

got all my results. happy with them..

i just realised all you said were lies. all those memories we shared are just whispers to you now. to me they are still important, they made me who i am now. one who knows which friends to trust and which not to. it was an important lesson. and trust me. ill never forget it.

and YOU. oh god. you can go ROT. i feel special everytime i see it light up. i feel happy and touched. but i cant help but feel empty inside. its like i dont even know if youre doing the same thing to another. and you dont really seem REAL. its all like a too good to be true thing. im being bullied here but do i do anything about it? no. thats why i agree im stupid.

i dont know.i just suddenly feel like blogging this type of thing. but its all about my past contacts la. so ya, my friends now dont have to worry. theyre great(: i really feel like 'pouring out my sorrows' but YAA. i cant cause thats just being too hard on the other person. i have too many la. haha! yay. finally having a class bbq. hope it actually HAPPENS this time. but i bet it will! hahaha!

;je'taime

got results. didnt fail anything. yet. its all down to tomorrow. 3 dreaded subjects. i feel like dying. oh sure act like nothing has happened. in fact play me some more. you should just go and D-I-E. see. im not so stupid until i cant spell. i want to be reassured. but you cant do it for me so ill just do it myself.
miner! i want the titanic pose! hahahha! itll look great. scarf and sunglases and that OHH. ahahahaa! i love you!

;je'taime

hey world. IM STUPID. IM OH SO STUPID. why? cause someone said so. and you know what. i totally agree. im so stupid for keeping it for FOUR LONG AND HARD YEARS. all for what? nothing except the occasional smiles. and those last about oh i dont know 5 SECONDS? like who the hell cares. im stupid okay. i cant even finish a lit paper. i need to pass my subjects so bad. enough is on my mind without YOU TELLING ME THE HRASH REALITY OF MY MINUTE INTELLIGENCE TO MY FACE. LIKE WHO THE HELL CARES. YOU? OH DONT KID ME. ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS EVERYTHING. BUT ME. I WONT EVEN SAY I GIVE UP CAUSE IM TOO STUPID TO DO THAT. if youre trying to tear me apart youre on the right track. ive never felt so ANGRY IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE BEFORE. and thats saying ALOT. so if you dont mind. id like to WALLOW IN MY OH SO SHALLOW BRAIN WITHOUT ANY THOUGHTS OF YOU FOR ONCE. WHO KNOWS. MAYBE ILL BE SMART IN MY DREAMS.

;je'taime

ARGH. my ear is like blocked now. i feel like im in an airplane with major ear pressure. like wthhh. it hurts and i cant hear. i guess ill blog about what happened on friday.haha
went out shopping with jasmine(: we went to look for the cotume shop and we took like so god damn long to find it. and it wasnt even IN arab street. it was in like bali street? sheesh. anyway. arab street was really pretty! all the textiles and malay costumes! they are so pretty! anyway. we had a long bus ride befoe that so took some pictures. hahaha. then jasmine had to take pictures with vandalisms. no idea why but ya.. vandalisms. hahaha! maybe shes like advertising them? then took pictures with a pretty lift! it was like classic! with glass so you can see outside. i love those type of lifts. they just seem so... CLASSIC. hahaha! and and we tried on costumes after that! jasmine tried on like so many but i just tried a few dresses. hahaha! there wasnt really alot fo time. i wish we could just go in and say openly HEY I WANT TO TRY THESE ON JUST FOR FUN. instead of like lying. hais. oh well. but the dresses are so pretty! i like the red one! wish i could buy it but ya. rental only. wont it be nice to work in that shop. its like so story book thing. hahaha! then went off to shop and jasmine nearly got killed by a lorry. like wth! that thing was going so fast to TURN INTO A SMALL LANE TO A SMALL CARPARK. i mean what if there were PEOPLE AT THE END OF THE LANE?? and one second later and jasmine will be flat. she started screaming and i pulled her away and the truck horned and the passerby stared and she went fff and i was like omgomgomg. hahaha! i said alot of ands. but it was really traumatising! and after shopping we saw those two and jasmine stared at them. stared as in like what the hell are you doing saying my name when youre so obviously not fit to way. haha! cant say i blame her.
PICTURES(:

do not ask me why my face looks like this.

her mouth is huge dont you think? haha:D

random and candid(:

who needs you anyway(:

this looks a little bit more decent. hahaha

the lift had a mirror! did i tell you that?? a mirror! haah!

thats the lift door. a uncle went it so we had to come out and wait for the next one. i think he knew we were playing.hahaha

see! vandalism.

those are angel wings. i dont think they suit her. haha! but SOMEONE else might.(:

jasmine said this emo picture looks like a studio one.

the full length of my pretty red dress. haha!

jasmine took this for me.. i think the dress is GORGEOUS! haah! too bad it cant be bought.

me and jasmine. shes in her beaded gown. finally one that fits! shes so skinny she cant fill any of the pretty dresses. hahha

my purple dress(:

the BACK of my red dress. i was kind of shocked when i tried it on.. had to get jasmine to tie it for me.

ill magically turn myself into a straight a student!

a random picture. im ahppy with my red dress.hahaha

shes a lolita! its a corset thingey so shes holding the strings.

that cloak is realy random. hahaha! she went all goth at the shop.

i didnt want to put this picture but.. i think i look like RANJANNI! hahah! acting attitude! but kind of ugly la. still. whos perfect? (:

;je'taime

okay. ive changed the skin. well. more like re-decorated it. haha! its still something anyway. im thinking of puting pictures at the side, but i need more with different people all those i have are really old. and im not really sure if i want to put pictures there so comments are welcome(:
emelia! i know you want to talk to me! hahahaha! i want to talk to you too! but cause my throat was really bad on friday and yesterday i couldnt talk.. so today?? you better be home. haha! oh and HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

;je'taime

i dont want to fail any of my exams papers): im making a new blogskin now so there'll be a new one up soon i hope. went out with jasmine yesterday. hahaha. it was fun? but tiring. at least i got my bag(: and emelia passed me her sore throat! haha! so now we best friends have the same illness at the same time. thats provided she hasnt recovered yet. hahaha.

;je'taime

exams are over. im going to like flunk all of them. i want the holidays. and im like getting fat. i eat when im depressed you see(: and since im depressed cause of the exams so obviously i put on weight.
anyway. after looking through those i realised that there are many things hidden fom me. its like you just take advantage of me being oblivious and hurt my feelings. i feel so unwanted now. i wish i never saw those. i wish i could sit down and talk with someone. like really talk. without anyone getting angry without keeping anything from each other. life would be so much better. all those things i saw nearly made me puke. and made me so worried. i wanted to type a long long post. but its not worth it anyway. ohya! get well soon emelia darling(: love you!

;je'taime

okay. blogger is like so wierd. anwyay. i cant resist blogging so here i am. im feeling high now. so forgive me if i make no sense at all. what is your problem? why bother messaging me if all youre going to do is leave in like 5 seconds?? i am sick of playing your little mind games. once i get close enough im going to punch your face.
oh i cant stand it any more.
Hey Juliet
I think you're fine.
You really blow my mind
Maybe some day you and me can run away.
I just want you to know.
I wanna be your Romeo.
Hey Juliet
someone serenade me already.
told you im high. i have no idea what im talking about either.
smile people just four more days and its over(:
i miss you and i should be locked in jail for that.
i know im going to regret posting this post. hahahhaa

;je'taime