life sucks. reading the account was terrifying. and put new doubts in my head. im going to fail maths. again. hsu's right. what the hell was i thinking. who would get mesmerised? who would be so perfect? who would be in that type of predicatament? all i wanted, i guess, was to write my own happy ending. damnnnn. im so scared. how is it going to turn out. what will happen to me.

;je'taime

in theory everything is perfect. but when you put it to use the results are really not whats on paper. so theory is much much easier. you know what to expect. and you know how to react and solve the problem. too bad there isnt a textbook for life.

;je'taime

im cold. very very cold. the weather is totally mad.
i knew it was too much to expect from you. guess the only good thing here was i was smart enough not to make the same mistake twice. hurts all the same though.

;je'taime

i want a castle darling. lol. just to make thigns clear i do not have a darling. it just looks like a nice word.
i cant trust myself. just those words and my heart melts. god. what the hell am i. i dont know if youre doing it cos you feel like you have a duty. but i really really dont want you to do that. if you feel forced then go away and leave me alone. i dont need any more false hopes. they kill whatever real hope i have left.

;je'taime

shit damn and fuck. i cant watch a movie in peace, cant sleep in peace and i cant TYPE in peace. why do people look over your shoulder when youre typing anyway. loom if you want to piss me off i can bloody well do it to you too. so THERE.

;je'taime

what a memory. lol. its so wierd how something from the past can mean so much to me now. its so ironic.

;je'taime

its really unfair. what i can say and what i cant say. so many things to think about before i say something. i need a life.
oh and i wanna go back in time(: to the victorian and medival times. theyve got pretty dresses and dances and they ride horses. and the people were really polite back then too. right now theyre all heartless obnoxious and angry.
look if you are that intent on helping me out why not tell me what has been going on and why you id all those. cos really i do miss you.

;je'taime

im highly reactive to small cute blocks of wood. but i do not fetch small cute blocks of wood like a dog. sorry to disappoint(: it was a relatively happy/scary/irritating/what the hell do they think theyre doing day.
im soo glad youre soo intent on helping me out here. i soo appreaciate it. its soo driving me crazy fyi. i know its wrong but i wish it could be.
i wanna sleep for all eternity.

;je'taime

i had so much to say but now its all not coming out. the main point is youre a f-ing idiot. please trust me and dont do that anymore. oh yes. the mainest point. ill give you a taste of your own bloody medicine and see how you like it. it was supposed to be a long post but like said. its just not coming out. and why should it anyway. i should just keep it inside where it wont do any damage ayway.

;je'taime

WTF. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU DONT WANT TO FINISH THE GOD DAMNED SENTENCE. it would do much better to just tell me the story and let me understand so i can HELP?? BUT IF YOU WANT TO 'tell me another time' that is SO PERFECTLY FINE WITH ME. all i want is to be able to feel that people can trust me. why cant you tell me.

;je'taime

whalao. fine la. go ahead and make fun of me all you want. glad you find me so funny. and a great conversation starter. just so you can talk more. at my expense. like wth. FYI. I COST much more than that thank you very much. ive got enough of it. and treating me as your personal everything? not good. youll live to regret it. id really want to be treated as close. cos you see. im human and humans need to have a sense of belonging. so eventhough i may be a very hateful human to you i have rights okay. i dont see why im hateful. if youre one of thsoe who look at my face and decide on the spot that youre going to hate me then fine. i cant do anything about it. but im not evil.

lets talk till the sun goes down and youll know whats behind this facade

;je'taime

youve ripped out of perfect new hole. perfect timing too. bet you just love that. you torture others for a living anyway. i thought it was too good to be true that day sitting on my table.well duh it was. now, the table has changed, but the wind that comes through the window eveytime doesnt. the memories it brings with it doesnt. i see myself sitting there smiling like some damn fool with the wind and table and phone for company. i was perfectly content. that was years ago. i dont know if i ever believed it was true. but i know i was happy. perfectly content to live in self denial. with the wind for company. i never got tierd of looking out of the window and feeling the wind in my hair. the memories you see. and the air is always fresher. like you can breathe out of this shithole for once. i found myself sitting at that very spot again. the wind was stronger today. maybe it was trying to tell me something. or giving me more memories. maybe its a sign. soon, ill have to cherish all of those memories cause it will be all that i have. maybe the wind is my friend. trying so hard to help a pathetic girl sitting on her table staring out the window. well ill just have to do this for my friends i guess. get over it. so simple. and sensible. but when was anything simple and sensible when it came to me. i loved you i guess. once. dont ask me ever again

;je'taime

Ohh, I know I could say were through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

i guess i really havent gotten over it. well. who the hell cares anyway. certainly not who matters.

;je'taime

it is not fair how others can be so delightfully happy. while i have to deal with more crap and more crap every freaking minute of the day.

;je'taime

Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming
'bout you baby you were dreaming of me
Call me crazy call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time
Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do you know I really really do
Well hey so much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away

I remember date and time
September twenty-second Sunday twenty-five after nine
In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces
And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again I know,
I guess I really really know
Well hey so much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
The day you went away
The day you went away

Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do you know I really really do
Well hey so much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away
So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
Why do we never know what we've got till it's gone
How could I carry on
The day you went away
Cause I've been missing you so much I had to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away
The day you went away
The day you went away

like of all times to remember this song. i used to like it alot. and of all times to remember it i remember it now. like perfect. how ironic can life get. this is turning out to be a really crappy year. reaaaally crappy. i bet it has been for both of us. only difference is this time, im on my own.
ive got so many secrets in this shell, when will i find that person who i can trust with my blood and soul.

;je'taime

im bored.
im miserable.
im freaking tierd.
im crazy right now.
and if you think about it,its all cos of it. if it didnt appear in my life i dont think i would be in so much pain right now. asshole.
okay. ive got to make a speech about conserving the earth. it seems like the easiest topic but STILL.do i look like freaking miss bloody earth to you. i always end up with this type of funny topics. like how would you help/what do you think of 'some-silly-problem-that-affects-the-world'
how great. like my life ISNT complicated enough without worrying about underaged smoking,mother earth and poverty for homework. i mean i would like to know about all thsoe but not for homework. itll be much nicer if i went to look up on those on my own. and instead of telling how to conserve the environment to a class of 40 people who probably care more about computer games and irritating the hell oput of people, maybe i could like spread the word by doing something else. cos seriously, those 40 people arent going to get their butt off the chair to save mother earth if their lives depended on it. oh wait. it does.
like i said im crazy. so please dont blame me if that post affects you. im just really crazy.ranjanni said so.

;je'taime

I LIED OKAY. I FREAKING LIED. I DO CARE. IT MATTERS TO ME. LIKE WTH. IM A GIRL. WHATDIDJA EXPECT ME TO DO. GO ALL WEEPY AND SOB OH I FORGIVE YOU??? SORRY BUT THIS GIRL HAS MORE DIGNITY THAT.I DO NOT SOB I FORGIVE YOU BUT I SOB ALL THE SAME. SO THERE. i lied. im so sorry. i lied. it really matters. it does. to me. but whats the point. when you still dont understand? you said sorry cos someone told you to. not cos you feel that you need to, not because im there in your conscience yet. when its there. then tell me. then maybe i wont lie.

;je'taime

why do i even bother helping. all i get is like UNgrateful remarks OR a truckload of fresh problems. whatever. want to get pissed at me for helping? fine. itll save me the god damn trouble anyway.

ive got so much to say but nowhere to start

;je'taime

i dont know what to say,just, stop getting pissed at me thank you very much!

;je'taime

i have got to stop reading hilarious books in school. all the effort i use to keep my laughter inside is making me short of breath. but my god. the book is so terribly funny i laugh out loud when im home. so you can imagine. AMANDA. shut up! im trying to watch tv/talk on the phone/read my own book/get a life. but who cares. its the funniest book ive ever read and my pathetic sadistic life NEEDS cheering up. oh lifes not getting any better, not to worry jerk. youve messed it up pretty good.

i need to start talking to you people. really. i cannot stand this anymore. i feel like the butter in bewteen two pieces of toast. which MEANS im sandwiched REAAAAALLY close to two opposite parties. which is as uncomfrotable as it sounds. really at this rate ill have to start earning money on a daily basis.

divya. i need to call you. like bimbo with you or something. cos seriously. my life is like putting clothes and blood in the washing machine. what comes out is not pretty. at all. oh why am i asking divya? cos shes the only bimbo i know who actually undertands what im babbling half the time. hey dont blame us if we have such great telephathy. her first conversation with me was practically a 10 second introduction to her absurd love for drawing. it was, to say the least, a whole lot of babble.

;je'taime

reading those pages are so depressing. i just realised ive been living in self denial all those years. which is a hell of alot of my childhood. this is just so wrong. why do i have to realise it only NOW. its so humliating. damn. BYE PAST. i hate you. good riddance. i hope you take a one way trip mars. BYEBYE.

;je'taime

this week is pick on amanda week. like FINE i dont know how to do the freaking question on the freaking board. and the class knows it too. since they ALL know what is wrong with it why oh why must you ask if its wrong to the class and have them answer you in a baby like chorus of noooooo. cos its just wasting time and if you want to humilaite me just SAY so. ill just stand and let you. cos really. my life is all about that now anyway.
okay. been there done that. i read some meories today. wth. made me feel like punching someone. a CERTAIN someone. oh well. i knew it would turn out like this anyway. all i can do now is ignore you to the best of my ability. okay. why am i still talking about you anyway.
ANYWAY. ive got a bimbo phrase! divya better listen good and memorise it bimbo. haha. you have the IQ of NAIL POLISH. tada!:D sounds kinda bimbo dont you think. if you dont think so dont tell me.(:
ive got a bimbo plan too! when i see you and your little friends ill make sure i pointedly ignore you and look THORUGH you if needed and say HI to every other person. loudly. ill have the best day i ever had with my memories and YOU WONT BE IN IT. I REPEAT. YOU. WONT. BE. IN .IT. there. bimbo plan. haha. you know. being a bimbo isnt really that bad, as long as you dont dress like one and you dont have the IQ of one.haha.

;je'taime