i just realised that even if i have nothing to do i wont be bored. cause i think too much. honestly. sometimes it hurts to have a brain. and id like to say right now that i.am.not.a.bimbo. got that? also, i am not a girl who goes around saying 'i will not go there because it is dirty and smelly and not a place where my perfectly manisured fingers should go. god damn it. i am not a whiny weak girl. okay fine. maybe i whine but hey i am entilted to whining seeing that my life isnt exactly a freaking bed of roses. but i do not cringe at the sight of dirt okay. like hello. if i did i would have commited suicide after going crazy months ago. so if you dont know whats going on right now in this pathetic excuse of a life i have, leave.me.alone. and if you consider this post whining, you must not know me.

oh and on a completely different note, mum's coming home tonight(:



It’s a lot easier to say you're angry, than to admit you're hurt.

;je'taime

i went to divya's house today(: and im glad to say shes much much better! good enough to annoy already. not sure if thats such a good thing but as long as shes not in mortal danger or anything im fine(:

i dont really have the mood to tell everyone here about my mood. huh. that sentence sounded better in my head. well anyway, im just like. the same i guess. not better. maybe worse. but not going into details. my head knows it, just give my heart a little more time to catch up.

and this time when she left, she left her heart behind.

;je'taime

went to bugis with emelia today(: and i bought shadesssss. though i dont need it its pretty. haha. then we walked around and around for lunch but it was like super crowded everywhere. so in the end we ate a really expensive lunch at delifrance. but hey. french food. and we walked somemore and emelia was like going to faint. throbbing head, something. hahaha. but ya. i told her i was thinking i was wonderign what would happen if i told my cousins about my life. my problems. dont know why i had that sudden random thought. but ya. i dont know what their reactions would be. seriously. i can see them staring at me and going, 'youre kidding right' but hey. my life is like that. im melodramatic. cant blame me.

then i went to divyas house. shes thinner. and i thought she couldnt get any thinner, and she has 3 holes in her stomach. ew. she has so many presents there and she seems so fragile. hais. so sad honestly. and then they played that stupid fishing game thingy which people play when theyre seven. okay. so it was entertaining. for like 10 minutes. i might visit soon(:

i cant sleep at night. i keep thinking. about what? random stuff. like how my family will react if they watch a sitcom of my life. cos my life would be so much more amusing if it were happening to someone else. how my grandma's doing. how long more my only grandparent will live.how im going to forget. how hes doing. the future. my friends, if they really are. god. im thinking so much. no wonder i cant sleep.

;je'taime

GO VISIT JASMINE SENG'S BLOG SHOP(: http://thecandycanes.livejournal.com

i can't freaking breathe. great. just great. i have to die before i can slap your freaking brains to jelly.

okay. im feeling better now. funny how getting angry makes you feel better. but i guess its self denfense. was supposed to go to the hospital to visit divya today but she needed to rest. ohwell. guess i can always go to her house. and shes getting better now anyway(: im really sad. got a craving for chocolate and a hug. everytime i look in the mirror i cringe. and i wish that things were back as they were again. i know that would make my reflection look human again. i give you too much credit. just like what everybody says. but somebody should go publish a textbook on 'forgetting'. its way to hard to do it by myself and from what i see, everybody reads textbooks. and only those.



i wont beg, i wont die without you either. but im beginning to think i cant forget.

;je'taime

its reaaaaally nice(: hahaa. but if you dont have a fairytale right now, it can make you really moody. its like a typical fairytale, mixture of cinderella, little mermaid, snow white. and its super funny. hahaha. the songs are super catchy too(: and i think i would love to watch it again. no matter how much you hate cliches, you still will smile. even if you dont want to(:

to a place where there are no happy endings.

;je'taime

this is dedictaed to EMELIA(:

i know we have to do something and we are going to(: hopefully it'll be painless
and things will be back as they were. well im hoping better than before but lets
start small first. haha. you have no idea how sad it is that we're not in the
same class next year. its probabaly going to take its toll but we still have our
locker(: and arent you the smart one thinking about that all by yourself:D
hahaha. ya. but dont ever give up on this friendship, i'll never forgive you if
you do. 02022020(: we both have to give and take i guess. isnt that whats lifes
about. and honestly, id really really like to see you on 02022020. cant blame me
for being curious(: anyway. the thing is, i love you! i know im just another
friend in this ugly, polluted world we call earth, but surely i deserve more?
hahaha! and you do too(: i love you!

its the psle results tomorrow. oh brings back memoriessss. ah. shit. okay. no more memories. dman things are giving me regular crying sessions. so ya. i have nothing much to say. just that life's a bitch but im going to hold on. for myself more than anything else(:

And I close my eyes
And I kiss that frog
Each time finding the more boys I meet
The more I love my dog

;je'taime

i think i need therapy. no. on second though, i dont. its most probably YOU that needs freaking therapy. i.am.angry. god. its so difficult to believe anybody nowadays. will it kill you to actually mean what you say for once. just mean your words. and will it kill you to have a better attitude to people. spoilt. and has anybody noticed full stops are relationship destroyers. okay. bet nobody has. anyway. ive become 2nd place. no. not even 2nd. all i can say is, to you, i can wait. im not as important as before. i dont know what's happened. you dont want me anymore. you just want the company i give when theres no one else. and eventhough i pretend i dont know, it hurts.

;je'taime

tag replies(:
jasmineseng- im trying(: but thank you for caring. haha!

rasi- yupp. its saddening and i thought you say dont talk about it already! haha

deniisha- your tags are always so long. haha, i love you too

divya- thats cos you dont have enough vocabulary(: haha! yes! when can we go? i desperately need the library you know.

okay i could have just used my tagboard but i dont really have stuff to say here.

i feel so sad today. no idea why. no, actually i know why. but its just repeating my previous post. sometimes i wish i had like memory loss. i hate this sudden memories thing okay. physically youre leaving me alone, but i cant say the same for what you do to my head. which just freaking sucks. now tell me. how do i get rid of my head? im so sorry. i really am. i want you back. but it hurts too much. not for me but i guess for you. and i feel betrayed. like wtf. its just going from bad to worse. why? i dont know. it seems like ive suddenly become someone whom you have to keep 10 metres away from. was it just this same month that it seemed perfect? really just this freaking month? it was just 17 days ago, give or take a few days. i havent felt like this since last year for gods sake. this is just getting too hurtful. theres no more truth anymore, no more comfort, no more knowledge that i know you will be there. so tell me what am i supposed to do? drop down to my knees and beg in the middle of a thunderstorm? jump off a cliff? eat cockroaches? is trust so much to ask for? i want to fucking cry.

that's all we are now.memories in a taped up box under an unmade bed.

;je'taime

went to watch game plan with emelia and hsuli today(: haha. it was a nice movie and it made me happy to spend time with emelia and hsuli. and when we went to vivo and saw the christmas decorations all on sale emelia said OMG REMEMBER WE CAME HERE CHIRSTMAS TIME LAST YEAR? SO FAST ONE YEAR ALREADY?ya. its been that long(: damn. i feel like crying. i miss so much. thers so much i cant even begin to describe. i know when i grow up my memories will probably be faded, but i dont think theyll ever go away though. when my mum says she cant remember stuff from her childhood, i think shes just lying cos shes got so much to say and doesnt know where to start. just like me.

oh and another song(:

;je'taime

i am so pissed off. is it so hard to ask for nice? honestly, im not even looking for near perfect. i just want nice! what! doesnt anybody do nice anymore? so now what. everybody's self centered, evil devil spawn? god. everything is my fault. why? because you dont want it to be your fault. well fine. your wants make ALL the difference in the world. god. its not as if you want world peace. i am so pissed off. why is it so hard to find nice nowadays. and trust. its hard to find trust too. and is it just a label? just a name? just a position which doesnt mean anything? well if it is, then count me out. i dont understand. if those words come so easily to you, then when do you really mean them? oh whatever. im not going to bother anymore. i shall be matured and try not to kick you right into the atlantic. and if youre not happy with my ranting then please just close this window. im through living to other people's standards.

;je'taime

HA. im done with this skin(: im so happy with it. next time i want to change i just need to find new pictures and a new background. easy(:

so.

im going to watch game plan on saturday with emeliaa. hsuli hasnt replied yet. that cow doesnt look at her phone the whole day. and i think the class chalet is not on? there hasnt been news of it at all. and i dont need to go to school anymore. HA.

i miss being happy. really really do. but you cant be happy when youre always being ignored.

;je'taime

i found pictures:D so i guess im making the new blogskin soon. i thank DENIISHA because she found practically everything for me(: THANK YOUUU.

went to marina and bugis with jasmine to day(: ate at cartel and bought some stuff(: saw lots more nice stuff but cant buy cause its really expensive. i want to be rich man. oh and this person came up to us and asked us to give our numbers cos theyre looking for models? but i think its a prank or something dangerous cos she didnt say the agency's name. no name card either. so im really worried. but as long as nobody stalks me im happy man. so pictures are all with jasmine and didnt really take much anyway.

my heart no longer hurts so much. in fact, im able to think back and smile a little now. no hard feelings, just my own private memories.

;je'taime

i found the song i was looking for:D


anyway

went to deniisha's house yesteday(: she taught me how to hold a guitar! ahha. and play one pathetic note. because she only knew one pathetic note you see. so ya. and then we watched like ballroom dancing and i really really wanna learn ballroom dancing(: haha! and we got on with the chapter. i think anytime im bored ill just go over to her house.


and on thursday i went to grandma's house and the whole family was there. it felt different, the whole atmosphere. the fact that her room is bare doesnt really help either. but it was different. and miner is seriously slow and i updated her of 6 months of my life in just a few sentences. didnt feel like talking about it. oh and someone has issues(: and i felt wasted.

and ive uncovered a secret. ha. but it hurts. just like every other secret in the world, it hurts. i'm thinking being heartbroken runs in the family.


Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

;je'taime

oh i saw something and i just cant resist saying this.

bloody fucking hypocrite.

;je'taime

me and miner(: at andrea's chalet.

Natalie(: since her brother is always moving it was hard to get a picture. but i think someone did. well yaaa

it was in deniisha's computer and its funny. so here it is(:

i want to post a song but stupid imeem doesnt have it. ah now what! anyway its an old song. so ya. no loss anyway.

;je'taime

hello(: it's been long since i last posted. so anyway, when i went out with emelia, we got lost. and you know those sily mrt stations with 1001 extis? we ALWAYS came out the wrong one and end up having to walk one whole god damn big round. so that day, we walked and walked but at least we bought things(: but we didnt take pictures because we were so busy shopping and walking and getting lost.

oh and then i had my sister's bbq. her friends all look exactly the same. long hair, spectacles, looked like they only ate during public holidays and they talked the same launguage which i totally do not understand. but thankfully, they have their own personalities. but whether they are good personalitities is a story for another time. then my relatives came on the 2nd night and me and miner took pictures the entire time. i was a little high but that was okay(: it was better than being moody and so god dman angry. and my cute little niece and nephew will always make things much better. its so amazing how little kids can be brave enough to do things you would never do. like dance and sing like theres no tomorrow on the bed for all to see. haha.

then i had choir today and we learn this reaaaaally old song called lollipop. apparently its about this woman who calls her boyfriend lollipop and shes singing the reasosns why hes like a lollipop. but most of the song is just lollipop.

and im angry. again. im doing everything and youre blaming everything on me. hey how about gettng your ass up and start working. you dont want to suddenly wake up and find yourself incapable of moving cos all your joints have rusted do you? and trusting you has become as dangerous as jumpng into a cage full of crocodiles. i never know what you mean what you do and what you think. and im not stupid enough to fall into the same god damn trap again. so ha. OH. and did i mention im starting to feel like USED. like wth. if you are going to throw me away once you used me then please do not even come near me.

i know this is a reaaaly wordy post but hey, i havent posted for a logn time! i'll upload pictures another time(:

;je'taime